


Street Smarts with A. J. Crowley

by McBangle



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Humor, Ineffable Foster Parents, M/M, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), References to Home Alone Movies, References to J.J. Bittenbinder, Self-Defense, Street smarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 19:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19933138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McBangle/pseuds/McBangle
Summary: After the apocalypse-that-wasn’t, Crowley had thought that he and Aziraphale would have a quiet retirement in the South Downs. But, he and Aziraphale seem to have picked up a foster child or two over the years. And then some more. And then an entire house full.If Crowley’s learned one thing from the almost-apocalypse, it’s that kids make excellent fighters in the battle against Heaven and Hell. After watching a few instructive videos, he’s ready to train them in street smarts to prepare them for the next Great War.





	Street Smarts with A. J. Crowley

After the apocalypse-that-wasn’t, Crowley had thought that he and Aziraphale would have a quiet retirement in the South Downs. But, he and Aziraphale seem to have picked up a foster child or two over the years. And then some more. And then an entire house full.

If Crowley’s learned one thing from the almost-apocalypse, it’s that kids make excellent fighters in the battle against Heaven and Hell. After watching a few instructive videos, he’s ready to begin their training for the next Great War.

“All right kids, time for a lesson!” He hops on top of their dining room table with one swift movement and gestures for their foster kids to gather around.

“Oh, I do wish you wouldn’t do that,” Aziraphale frets. “One of these days, you’ll fall off and accidentally discorporate yourself!”

Crowley begins pacing the long table as the kids settle on the ground in front of him. “Sooner or later, the forces of Heaven and Hell are going to return to fight the humans, and when they do, you’re going to need street smarts!” He taps his index finger against his temple two quick times. “If angels and demons come after you, distract them with something they like. Throw something shiny on the ground for the angels, and some delicious grubs for the demons.”

“‘Delicious grubs?’” Aziraphale screws up his face.

“I keep them in my pocket at all times.” Crowley pats at his left breast pocket. “That’s street smarts!”

“Crowley, dear, _please_ tell me there aren’t grubs in your pocket right now.” Aziraphale makes an exaggerated gagging noise.

“When they bend down to pick up their treats, you poke them in the eyeballs!” Crowley pokes out two fingers of his right hand Three Stooges-style, and kicks his left leg victoriously as he does it.

“Is that entirely necessary?” Aziraphale asks. “It sounds awfully grisly. They are children, Crowley.”

“And that’s exactly why they’re going to need street smarts when Heaven and Hell attack.” Crowley resumes his pacing. “Now, a lot of people think you need to kick them in the gonads, and that’s good advice if your attacker is a human, but that won’t do anything against most angels and demons. You need to go for their other soft parts.”

“Crowley, _really._ ” Aziraphale rolls his eyes.

“If demons try to break into your flat, the first thing you need to do is get a friend,” he gestures to Aziraphale.

“Oh, don’t drag me into this,” Aziraphale protests.

“And ask him to bring you some holy water,” Crowley continues as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “Have him seal it in something leakproof like a thermos. And be very careful! One drop of it could melt your hand off!”

“Ooooooooh!” The kids all lean forward excitedly.

“Holy water wouldn’t actually harm any of you children,” Aziraphale explains. “But do be dears and keep it away from Mr. Crowley, would you?”

“You’re going to want to use some long-handled tongs.” Crowley makes a grabbing motion as if he were handling invisible tongs. “Very carefully pour the holy water into a bucket, and balance it on top of a door that’s cracked open just enough so the demons will be able to see you inside when they arrive. You’re the bait, but you’re not going to get hurt because of street smarts.” He punctuates every few words by jabbing a finger into the air.

“The demons are going to be so excited to get you, that they’re not going to check to make sure the room is safe first. They’re going to open that door, that bucket is going to fall on their heads and they’ll melt straight away. And you’ll be safe. Why? Because you’ve got…” He turns to face the kids, one eyebrow raised.

“Street smarts!” The kids all shout in unison.

“Now. What do you do if angels try to break into your house?” Crowley begins pacing again. “At first, they’re going to try to trick you. They’re going to try to make you think that they’re nice guys and that they’re there to help you. But they’re lying. Angels are a bunch of self-righteous bastards!”

“Crowley,” Aziraphale tuts.

“Well, except for Mr. Fell here,” Crowley concedes.

Aziraphale tilts his head from side to side thoughtfully for a moment. “…Fair enough.”

“So here’s what you need to do.” Crowley points his index finger toward the ceiling. “Get yourself two cans of paint. Tie them to two long lengths of string, and tie the other ends of the strings to the bannister at the top of your stairs. Wait at the top of the stairs. You’re going to use yourself as human bait again – it’s your best tactic – and then when they come in that door, you let those paint cans fly. If you’re lucky, you’ll get another one on the backswing.”

“Now hold on Crowley,” Aziraphale interrupts. “You took that one from a movie! The one where the little boy’s family left him at home while they went on holiday! I saw that one with you in the theatre. Although…” he rubs at his chin. “It did have some excellent battle strategies.”

Aziraphale holds a hand out to Crowley, and Crowley obediently takes it, hoisting him up on the table beside him. Aziraphale turns to face the children, folding his arms behind his back. “Children, if the forces of Heaven and Hell come for you in the winter, be sure to spray water on your stairs with a garden hose, so it will freeze into clear ice before they arrive. They’ll all fall on their arses every time they try to climb the stairs.”

Crowley chuckles. “I’d like to see Gabriel try that.”

Aziraphale grins gleefully. “His arms would be flapping about as he falls.” He pinwheels his arms in the air, weaving about in imitation of someone falling on ice. After a moment, he regains his composure. “Oh! Children, of course it’s unkind of make fun of others, but sometimes it’s necessary… for…” he catches Crowley’s eye. “Battle strategy.”

When the forces of Heaven and Hell finally do launch their Great War against humanity, the Earth is saved through a combination of cunning, street smarts, and tricks blatantly stolen from Home Alone.

Crowley will forever deny it, but Aziraphale sees him wipe aside proud tears at the sight of it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm supposed to be writing something else, but then [I used the words "street smarts" in passing to describe an early variation on this idea](https://mcbangle.tumblr.com/post/186466435091/i-had-a-dream-last-night-about-good-omens-the), which made me think about [Detective J. J. Bittenbinder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._J._Bittenbinder) after which I _had_ to write this.


End file.
